Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
