"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
