i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
