how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
