i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just google imaged poop.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
