He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
