Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
