He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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