Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
