I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
