Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
