Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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