dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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