It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
