so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
