i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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