Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
