An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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