I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
