The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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