peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
