why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
