someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
