So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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