i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
