Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
