planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
