$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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