Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize