She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
