I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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