Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
