Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
