i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
They have beer where we have blood.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
