my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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