he thought i was a dude.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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