Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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