Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
