his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
