I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I fill condoms, not promises.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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