Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
