I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
