just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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