I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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