You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
