Well apparently he's into motor boating.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
