If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sacagawea was the original milf.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
