My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
