do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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