So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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