I'm so fucking centered right now
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
