the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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