he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
