3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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