It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
