Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
