we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
