mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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