My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
