I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
