We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just found puke in my bra..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
